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Blond, Blond and Blonder
by Kristen Twedt


I have a theory about blondes. The stereotypical gullibility often attributed to the golden-haired among us has nothing to do with intellect. It is the hair color itself that causes brain lapse. I’m living proof. Since I went blonde, I’ve been duped almost daily.

Admittedly, I’ve always had this inclination to take everything literally. Once, when my husband passed gas early in our courtship, he feigned surprise and exclaimed, “Oops! I must have stepped on a frog!” Idiot me went looking for it.

You would think with age and wisdom, this character flaw would give way to logic and reason. Unfortunately, since highlighting my coiffure, I am convinced my gullibility quotient has doubled.

For instance, I sat next to a fellow on a flight home who seemed friendly enough. I apologized for my errant shuffling of plane tickets, books and cell phone. He replied, “Oh, I don’t mind. I know you Mississippi gals are always nice company.”

I was speechless. How could this rank stranger know I hailed from the Magnolia state?

“I’m great with accents,” he explained.

“It’s my Southern drawl, isn’t it?” I suggested.

“Actually,” he snorted, “it’s that driver’s license you’ve been waving under my nose for the last five minutes.” I felt very blonde.

My fellow genius and I continued our intelligent banter.

“Did you know,” the wise one said oh-so-seriously, “that the word ‘gullible’ is not in the dictionary. It’s not even a real word.”

“No way!” I said, halfway saving myself. “I can’t believe I didn’t know that!”

The man grabbed a cocktail napkin and began mapping out a parcel of land on the banks of a Louisiana salt marsh, eager to make a surefire sale. Good thing I left my checkbook at home.

People who never fall for urban legends and such are rarely blonde. It’s a fact that flaxen hair is the color most responsible for people’s buying whole life insurance policies and used cars. Yet, whether naturally blonde or synthetically so, blondes do have more gullible fun.

Just the other day, my spouse intimated that perhaps I am not the brightest bulb on the string. “You know, Kristen, there’s a fine line between gullible and stu--,” he announced from behind the hand he clamped over his brilliant mouth, too late.

Just because I stretch out on the bed when laundering instructions read, “Lay flat to dry” doesn’t mean I’m completely clueless. At least I was smart enough to know what my spouse was going to say. Seeing as how he’s so clever, I figure he can use this dead silence between us to contemplate the inner recesses of his five bazillion, boring brain cells. Meanwhile, all three of mine AND these dark roots just got an exciting e-mail. It guarantees a financial windfall. All they need is our credit card number.

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BIO: Kristen Twedt is a columnist for The Hattiesburg (Miss.) American. She also has a web site with terrific writing and information for writers. Click here to visit Kristen’s site, and write her at fanmail@kristentwedt.com.


Kristen is affiliated with:
Kristentwedt.com

Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop

National Society of Newspaper Columnists

The Net Wits

The Hattiesburg American

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