Well, it seems there’s crazy and then there’s Charlotte.

Charlotte is the land of the pretty people (of which I’m not one), where plastic surgeons advertise in the airport and vegetarianism runs as rampant as the free-range chickens they refuse to eat. Welcome to the beautiful city of Charlotte, North Carolina, the quickly emerging capital of the New South.

Charlotte is a fairly spread out city. We have long stretches of roads that bottleneck to tight, compact areas. Everyone here is in a hurry, and driving can and will be hazardous to your health. So for those who are considering traveling to the Queen City, let me lay down a few pointers for traversing through our treacherous, asphalt navigational systems.

Charlotte wants you to enjoy the scenery as you blur along. We have wide medians in the middle of major roads, landscaped with spring flowers, tree bark and shrubbery, so as to inhibit any clear line of vision you have. It is important to remember, that if faced with crossing two lanes in order to get to the other side, it is imperative that you wait until all FOUR lanes are completely empty. Forget the people behind you honking and cussing. When they get tired of waiting, they will simply swing their cars around yours and pull out ahead of you, narrowly missing the oncoming school bus.

When both sides are clear, then and only then may you pull out to cross the first two lanes. Next, stop in the middle of the median crossover, check to make sure those lanes are still empty, and then pull out. Now, should a car suddenly appear (and they will), it is perfectly fine to pull out in front of them and proceed as slowly as you like, taking as long as you like to get up to speed. Never mind that the speed limit is 45 and the approaching car is doing 60. That driver will simply come within a paper’s width of your back bumper, then honk his horn while flipping you the bird a la Dale Earnhardt.

Congratulations, you’ve overcome your first of many hurtles.

As you’re cruising 20 miles over the speed limit down the road, you may notice a policeman approaching in your rearview mirror. There’s no need to worry; he’s in just as big a hurry and will probably pass you so quickly you’ll think you’re sitting still.

Continue along the road, and, I can’t stress this enough, even if you know where you are going, please do not, I repeat, do not get in the lane you need. Instead, make yourself comfortable in the farthermost lane possible. You may only move into the needed lane when you are about, oh, less than 10 feet from your turn. Whatever you do, don’t start that blinker a-blinkin’ until you’ve already begun turning the wheel to merge in front of that nice new Beamer.

Did you know there are times when cutting in line is perfectly acceptable? No, you can’t get away with it in the Blockbuster or WalMart line, but you can if you’re driving a car in Charlotte. Don’t waste time fuming at the back of the turn lane. All you have to do is pull up next to the turn lane toward the front of the line (be sure to block the lane you’re in so no other cars can continue their straight path down the street) and then slowly keep inching your vehicle in front of another until you are sitting in the first row at the traffic signal ready to make that turn. Then you can throw your head back and laugh at all the fools in the back that you’ve cheated out of their rightful place in line. And oh, by the way, should you find yourself at the back of the pack, it is perfectly fine not only to stomp the accelerator and run the yellow light, but please feel free to do the same for the red ones as well.

You may not drive a car in Charlotte unless you own a cell phone. No, I’m serious. It is mandatory that a cell phone be glued to your ear for the duration of your drive. Anyone caught not using a cell phone when driving will be deeply reprimanded, and there is discussion of suspending licenses of those who don’t comply. It is also imperative that while using your cell you not pay attention to the traffic around you. Please slow down to speed limit or just below, and make sure you straddle those pesky lane lines. And speaking of straddling pesky white and yellow lines, that’s ok too. We only ask that you be consistent about it. If you straddle the line on one street, you must straddle it on another and continue doing so until you’ve reached your destination. Of course, with a cell phone to your ear, you won’t have to think about it.

When merging onto our demolition derby freeways, don’t be surprised if, one, you are forced to stop at the end of the on-ramp because no one in the outside lane will move over, or two, the car behind you gets impatient and streaks around you to merge first. Speed limits on the freeways vary. When the sign says 55, you may drive 65-75 mph. If the speed limit is 65, you may drive 80-90 mph. During rush hour, you will go from 0-65 in 2.3 seconds and then suddenly from 65-0 in under one second.

When cruising at your chosen high rate of speed, be sure to position yourself on the opposite side of two trucks. For instance, your exit is coming up on the right in less than a mile. There are two trucks running in the center lane. You will need the left hand lane on the other side. Now, here is the crucial part: When you see your exit approaching, make sure your speed is up to at least 70 mph. Suddenly, whip your car IN BETWEEN the two trucks so the people cruising in the right lane cannot see you. Next, whip your car into the right lane in front of that oncoming van. It’s best if you do this in one fluid motion, and please don’t take time to stop and think about it. Thinking while driving in Charlotte kills way too many people each day. Once you’re in the right hand lane, look in your rear view mirror. Only when you see the person behind you begin to merge onto the exit ramp and he’s close enough to relieve you of your back bumper, then and only then may you finally merge over in front of him.

Parking is another intricate aspect of driving in Charlotte. We’ve purposely set up our parking lots to resemble shrubbery mazes. Taking one aisle will not assure you of access to the back of next aisle. Of course it goes without saying that you must look for the spot closest to the door and in order to arrive at your destination, don’t worry about speeding through the large pedestrian walkways. I mean really, those walkers can stop more quickly than you. Simply continue nonchalantly until you’ve found your parking space and you’ve turned down the aisle needed to reach it.

We have compact parking here. Those spaces are smaller than the regular ones, but unless you’re driving a tank or limousine, your Dodge Durango will fit just fine – as long as you don’t mind the back end sticking out just a bit and a few scratches on your doors. Who cares if you have to take two spaces to park there? We certainly don’t.

When you see the space you want, don’t be surprised if suddenly you notice a Lexus driver eyeing the same one. Don’t let this deter you, and whatever you do, don’t back down. You’re in Charlotte, man, home of NASCAR. Put the pedal to the metal and race that SUV to YOUR rightful space. Pull in real fast so you narrowly miss a head-on collision, then be sure and gesture that they are #1 and start screaming those descriptive expletives. I guarantee they are doing the same to you. Once you have claimed your spot and vacated your vehicle, continue like it’s just another beautiful day in North Carolina.

Now that you’ve learned the insiders’ secrets for slicing your way around my fair city, what are you waiting for? Call the car rental place and hop on over for some nice southern hospitality, Charlotte style. I’ll be looking for you. And oh, don’t forget your car and medical insurance information.

Trust me when I say you’re going to need it.

Laurie O’Hare was born in the South, raised in the South, and still resides in the South. Married to a Canadian, she has a teen-aged son and two enormous dogs. She studied writing at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock and her creative nonfiction story, “A View from Life,” won Honorable Mention at the Southern Autobiographical Conference in 1998. Her fiction and nonfiction have appeared in Abstracts, Flashshots, Xit, The Dead Mule School of Southern Literature, and writersweekly.com. She is co-founder of For Writers, By Writers, and co-editor of Chick Flicks E-Zine.

When not writing or being domestic, Laurie wastes time gazing at the Carolina sky, entranced by clouds and ever-changing shades of blue.

Write Laurie at LAOHARE.

~~Visit Laurie's web sites~~ For Writers, By Writers Chick Flicks Ezine

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