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The Ten Commandments for Elevators
by Sheila Moss


A recent controversy in metro was whether or not the Ten Commandments should be posted in public buildings. Now most people probably figured the question of separation of church and state was pretty much resolved a long time ago, but this is Tennessee, after all, where the question of teaching evolution is still controversial in some circles.

So proponents of a Ten Commandments Law thumped their Bibles, while opponents thumped the First Amendment, and all of them thumped the lawmakers.

Nobody asked me, as usual. But if they had, I would have said that the movie has been on rerun for years. What we really need to have posted in our public buildings is something less controversial like the Ten Commandments for Elevators.

1. Thou shalt avoid eye contact with thy fellow riders. Thou shalt look at the floor indicator, at the door, or at thy feet, but never at the other people in the elevator.

2. Thou shalt expect the elevator to stop at every floor if thou art in a hurry. (God hath borrowed this law from Murphy.)

3. Thou shalt not snooze or thou wilst miss thy floor.

4. Thou shalt not take in vain the name of the fat lady with the large purse, big lunch and tote bag.

5. Thou shalt not kill the person who getteth on with a mail cart and runneth over thy toe.

6. Remember to letteth the elevator door close and to not holdeth the elevator door open to visit with thy neighbors.

7. Thou shalt always face frontwards instead of towards the back - unless thou art on candid camera.

8. Thou shalt not make jokes about elevators getting stuck.

9. Thou shalt never press a button for a floor other than thy own. Elevators do not haveth an "undo" button.

10. Thou shalt not let thy wet umbrella drip in thy neighbor’s shoe; however, that is better than letting it drip in thine own shoe.

Now if anybody wants to lobby a councilman to introduce this bill, you have my permission. However, I’m really not interested in waiting around for that and if you need me, you can find me outside chiseling some stone tablets.

Copyright 2002-2003 Sheila Moss

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Sheila Moss is a humor columnist from Tennessee. Her comedy includes funny stuff about big hair, junk cars, country music, football, and even sensible topics once in a while. She has been published by Voyageur Press and McGraw Hill and writes a weekly column for The Daily News of Kingsport, as well as publishing her own website, HumorColumnist.com.

[Note from Ye Editor: Don't miss Sheila's web site. She's most definitely one hysterical lady with an abundance of the sharpest wit to be found around these deep south states!]

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