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Gifts ~~ Wild and Wacky!
by Beth Boswell Jacks

Lo, how another holiday season e’er blooming, and again I find myself stumped as I bravely push to get out amongst the harried shoppers. Nobody on my list really needs anything (except cold cash, perhaps), but there’s something unappealing about placing under the tree for each of them a beribboned box with a card saying, “Sorry, you didn’t need anything, and guess what? This box is empty.”

Somehow I don’t think that would go over too well with my brood. Fact is though, what’s in the boxes is not half as important as the wonderment. Half the enchantment of receiving gifts is the mystery, the thrills of “What in the world could be under that wrapping and ribbon?”

So if your family members really don’t need another sweater, another bottle of lotion, or another set of monster men, but you must have gifts of various shapes and sizes to lend excitement to the festivities, I’m here to help.

The answer is to scout around and find things your family does NOT have and didn’t know they needed. Gifts like these are out there if shoppers but persevere. Yessirree, in this wild and wacky world we inhabit, a world where even Santas now have to undergo background checks, there are unusual items just waiting to find cozy spots on your closet shelves and in your dresser drawers.

Consider these gift suggestions touted by Buck Wolf, a reporter for ABC News. He made the list; I added the helpful comments.

KITTY TOILET SEAT: For less than 100 bucks you can purchase a toilet seat for Fluffy. Results are guaranteed if you follow the instructions on the enclosed training video. Now there’s a bonus--the video, I mean. Pop some popcorn and spend relaxing movie time watching kitty cats perch on potties--much more interesting than yuletide carols being sung by a choir. Maybe.

PORTABLE SKATING RINK: Everybody needs one of these. Fold it up and haul it here and yonder. Instant recreation. Set it up in a parking lot and charge. Recoup your investment. Pay for your turkey. Build up a special bank account to cover your lawsuits. Lots of fun.

HUMAN BONES: Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones can be yours for not so much. You can get an arm or a leg for as little as $515. If you’d rather have the full human skeleton you’ll have to cough up around $2,000. Imagine what a big, ol’ gaily wrapped box the full deal would fill, and think of the practical uses for such a gift. I can’t.

BEJEWELED BIKINI: Mom would love this. Victoria’s Secret is offering a 15 million dollar bikini. You heard me, fifteen mil. Why so much? Seems the itsy bitsy, teenie weenie bikini is covered with 1300 rubies, diamonds, and other precious stones. The Victoria folks haven’t had a single order for this sensational suit yet. Go ahead, beat me to it.

If none of those float your boat, you might also consider “Bellybutton Lights,” “Bulletproof Briefcases,” refrigerator magnets ranging from Betty Boop to the Kennedy family, and “Beard Vacuums.”

I don’t know. I may use a bit of ingenuity to create a single, perfect present, sort of a “one-size-fits-all,” to simplify my shopping and still delight every man, woman, and child on my list. I’ve got an idea for a fabulous gift that would prove entertaining, yet inexpensive, combining something fun with something utilitarian.

Imagine the hours of pleasure ahead when lucky recipients rip into their gifts and find . . . a rolling pin and bubble wrap!

Happy Holidays!


Contact USADEEPSOUTH editor Beth Boswell Jacks, author and freelance columnist, at Ye Editor's addy.

For more of Beth's Snippets of humor, click here.

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