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The Giant Killer Snake
by Gene G. Goodson

The heat rose with the sun yesterday. Padding around in her bunny slippers and "I'm a D Cup" nightshirt, Robbie read the first day of summer like a catalogue. It promised to be a HOT one and a grilling culinary apocalypse -- so HOT the love bugs cancelled interstate windshield and bumper suicides.

A huge red curler bobbed across her forehead as she slowly opened the drapes to the glass wall overlooking her backdoor swimming pool and the community private golf course. A tiny ripple in the otherwise calm, clear water got her attention where she was standing. Puzzled, she flung open the sliding glass doors with a wave of adrenaline and probably profanity when she came face to face with a "tiny," back-stroking snake.

Her eyeballs and the snake's eyeballs were the same size as they screamed in unison. He did not exit in an orderly fashion: he immediately played dead. She ran.

Her guard dog Angel could have remedied the situation but was sound asleep under her feather blanket in feet-in pajamas and ear plugs. Panic set in. Robbie and Angel had been through early flare-ups and smokin' good times together and she thought they were properly bonded, but Angel apparently thought otherwise. So that's when Robbie got really mad!

The rest of the morning was a blur of frantic phone calls. Robbie did not have a chainsaw but settled for a butterfly net with handle extensions, a snake-bite kit and Mace. When the Verizon (aka frantic phone call to Mama) slow moving kung fu triage netted and tossed the (by the next day 6-ft.) snake over the fence onto the golf course, (cue, "Wind Beneath My Wings"), Robbie's eyes glazed over with relief.

ANIMAL PLANET's documentary, "The Loch Ness of Tarpon Springs," will be broadcast Halloween night.

Reminds me of Robbie's sons' snakes-in-a-basketball-basket caper. But that's another story.

I'm no longer making things up as far as I know.


And here's that lovable pooch Tattoo with a final comment:

The snake's name is 'Sunshine Snuggle Britches'. It is the length of a school bus and weighed more than the cast of 'Grease II'. It lives on a diet of small dogs named Angel, giant turtles, alligators and employees of Animal Kingdom. It swallowed the chimney - twice. If Sunshine had stuck out his tongue at the 'Snake-Whisperer' (aka Mama/Moppy/River) she would have tinkled in her tightie-whities and called out the National Guard and Navy Seals.


G. G. Goodson writes online using the penname "RiverDancer." A retired Corporate Director of Human Resources, she works occasionally as a Surface Mine Safety consultant. Write Gene Goodson at GOODSON E-mail .

Read more of RiverDancer's stories at USADEEPSOUTH:
A Boy and His Treasure
Saturday Night Sweating
The Warehouse
The Fishing Trip
My Career
Rockin' With Nanny
Memories Lost
A Boy and His Fiddle
Before the Music Died

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