AsA ~ The Toonerville Collector
by Asa Sparks
Uncle Willie loved to tell stories about dumb deer hunters other than himself. His favorite story went like this: A farmer was getting fed up with hunters in the fall shooting his livestock. A few days before hunting season opened he painted signs on the side of his animals. Large letters in bright red stated, "COW, STEER, HORSE, BULL." In the yard one morning he found numerous bullet holes in the cab and hood of his tractor. He tracked down the hunters and proceeded to read them the riot act. One of the hunters interrupted him and protested, "But the sign said DEERE."
Once more on the opening day of deer season, a "newly painted" Auburn blue car under the cautious hands of Uncle Willie headed way back into the woods. Though raining, it was a hunting day at its best. Man and his gun, alone in God's country, headed to his favorite spot, on what he perceived to be a deer trail. Hours later, even though he had not bagged his first trophy, he headed back to civilization. Willie was muddy and tired but his head was unbowed. His bow was unstrung. Life was good. Life was sweet. There is that special something about a day alone communing with nature. Unfortunately, there was the new blue upholstery: Auburn, Alabama, University Blue, to consider. Ol' Uncle Willie's thoughts came back to earth as he first viewed that plush blue, then eyed his mud caked coveralls.
In true Auburn style, Willie solved the problem with decisiveness and clear thinking by promptly stripping to his boxers. He dropped the muddied clothes in the trunk. As the trunk lid descended with increasing speed on its unstoppable journey downward, Willie realized that he was standing in most of his glory with the keys still secure in the coveralls.
With a deep sigh of resignation, Willie squared his shoulders and started the three mile hike in the direction of civilization. One lone vehicle passed as Willie walked. Alabama clay covered the running boards of the old red pick-up that passed Willie. "Go Bama" emblazoned the cab's window while the University of Alabama "Big Al" standing on the bumper testified to the owner's sports allegiance in Dixie.
Red clay, red pick-up, Crimson Tide slowed to a halt. Red tail lights glowed as the truck load of Bama boys eased back to stop and take a good look at Walking Willie -- walking from his Auburn blue car with "Tiger" blue upholstery.
There he was: Auburn Willie trekking in an orange tee and with little blue and orange tigers cavorting across his boxers. No self-respecting Bama fan would miss this glowing opportunity to aid a fellow sportsman dressed in a touch of orange, blue, and sheepish grin. They busted open the trunk and got his keys out.
Thus, another Auburn/Alabama tale was victoriously added to the "Bama Scores One" side. To this day, Willie still sees (and turns) crimson when he thinks about it. And his friends have helped him think about it ree-aal often.
And these tales of a true sportsman come to an end. It all started that overcast day so many years before when half a dangling two-inch Night Crawler in amongst the Viennas (I never had the guts to tell him it was a three-inch Night Crawler when we put it in) turned our dear Uncle Willie from his first love of fishing to dear finding, abuse of personal property, and the agony of deerless hunting and humiliation as only an Auburn fan can suffer at the hands of staunch Bama supporters. Never again would Uncle Willie "leap before looking" into a "sammich" that showed any signs of wriggling.
Copyright © Asa Sparks
Asa with granddaughters Lyndsie and Emily
~~All about AsA of Montgomery, Alabama~~
“This is another of my Uncle Willie fact-stretched stories.
“My full name is Asa Sparks, but I am known primarily as AsA all over the State of Alabamer. Until I retired, I worked and traveled for the Alabama State Department of Education. Prior to that I worked with delinquents kids--of whom I was chiefest.
“I have been fortunate to have written several trade books. Hope For The Frogs (oop) was the most popular. Many assumed I liked frogs. I don't. Give me princes and princesses every time. The only other book of mine currently in print is The Two-Minute Lover.
“I am singular and have three wonderful children who all live in the South, but not as deeply south as I. They have provided 8 genius grandchildren for me to dote on in my dotage.”
Readers may write Asa at email@example.com
Visit Asa's Toonerville site by clicking this link: TOONERVILLE
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