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Survival Guide For Newly Married Men
by Jack Kean

Do it first. Do it right. Do it for the rest of your life. These are the knowledge keys to my advice for newly married men. True, there is no shortage of advice since a Google search for marriage advice reveals over one million web sites and/or pages.

There is marriage advice from kids, astrological advice, and advice for Islamic, Christian, and Jewish people entering into marital bliss. There’s advice for seniors and even for those going to Russia. (Does that mean you’ve struck out all over the USA?)

One of the sites is titled Revenge Lady where you can send dead flowers, personalize a voodoo doll, order chocolate covered crickets or chocolate shaped buttocks. There is a free e-card you can use to announce a breakup with your insignificant other. You can also mail cockroaches and toe tags. Whew, I’m thinking this site is not for happy campers.

There is a web page for women with messy husbands. Doesn’t that include 99% of all husbands? You can buy handbags with marital advice on them, but who takes advice from a purse?

At Fullofjokes.com I found the following commentaries on marriage:

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
-- Rita Rudner

”When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.”
-- Elaine Boosler

”What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.”
-- Cindy Garner

Yeah, they are all women, but funny counts.

There’s also a site providing ideas about what you shouldn’t say to your spouse.
You never listen to me.
That's stupid.
Don't you know how to do anything?
What's the matter with you?
Are you crazy?
I don't know why I married you.
All you do is watch tv.
Have you gained weight?
I told you so.

If you eliminate this brilliant repartee what will married people say?

~~Now here’s my advice for newly married men.~~

Work in marriage is divided into inside and outside. Inside work means laundry, dusting, washing, cooking and fun stuff like that. Outside work is anything related to the yard and cars. First convince the new spouse you can’t do anything inside. Ask questions like, “Can I use dishwashing liquid in the washing machine?”

After limiting your duties to outside work, eliminate it completely. Remember, few men actually work on cars any more. The worst thing that can happen is your getting stuck waiting for an oil change or the car to be washed. That only leaves dreaded yard work.

Even before you are married, talk about the advantages of condominium living . . . or buy a house with a postage stamp yard. Act excited when you get that new lawnmower, then aggravate the old football injury while taking the mower out of your SUV.

As Henny Youngman said, “You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.”

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. But remember, the first time you do a job and do it right, you will be doing it for the rest of your life.

Book to follow.


Kean is the author of Deadly Sacrifice and Being From The South Doesn't Make Me Stupid!

Visit his web site and write him at Kean@jackkean.com.

Here’s another of his stories at USADEEPSOUTH:
Ketchup Bottles and Manhood


Comments from readers:
I really screwed up when I let the cat out of the bag that I was an assistant sous chef for a restaurant when I was younger. Now I’m stuck cooking most of the time. Why? Because I opened my big trap before I thought it thru. Guys, don’t EVER make this mistake. You’ll pay for it for life. I got smart and got out of cleaning clothes by putting whites in the wash with blue jeans and reds, and cranked up the hot water. And magically, I’m banned from the washing machine. Good luck out there. ~~ Bryan

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