by me, Tattoo
~assisted by Gene Goodson (aka RiverDancer)~
Shhhh . . . It’s me, Tattoo . . . ahm in thu shower stall . . . can yawl hear me????
RiverDaincer’s outta town honing her lurking skills. Ah wuz gonna burn both ends uv thu nite with Jimmy Buffet but she took thu Florida keys. I had uh midnight Bar-Bee-Q fo mah frens instead.
Well, before ever one got heah ah took ‘n went tuh lite the charcoal. It wuz vury balky coal. Ah squirted lighter fluid, lit it with uh match 'n waited fer them tuh turn gray – ah mean thu coal. It (thu coal) never did fire up so ah kept squirting, lighting ‘n waiting.
Shhhh . . . ahm in thu closet . . . can yawl hear me now???? Ah needed thu coal to fire up quicker so ah blew on it with RD’s hairdryer 'n waited, squirted ‘n waited. It dint fire up.
Ah got thu vacuum cleaner an squirted, vacuumed ‘n waited -- ah mean ah waited. Thet thang jes wuddint fire up!
Ah squirted and poked it with thu RCCola bottle rocket ah made when ah wuz microscale fluid pumping and electrophoretic injections professor at FSU. I swan, thu air pressure in thet bottle rocket propelled thet flame ever which-aways. It wuz lak throwin a live rabbit into a room with 35,000 greyhounds -- dawgs, thet is!
Shhh . . . ahm in thu kichin . . . can yawl hear me now???? Basically speakin, thet wuz thu most impressive charcoal-lit fireball AH evah saw. Ever thang disappeared xcept a circle uv dog eared coal. Goodness gracious, them sparkles showed lak stars on the water in thu mosquito lagoon where ah landed. Ah wuz inured to considerable distress. Yawl no mah sense of numinous is generally keenest on dry land.
Sighhhhhh . . . Ah git all choked up with gratitude thet RiverDaincer wuzn't heah to see it -- butt, Moppy wuz. She hollered, “Ah tole yew nevah mess with lighter fluid: nevah play with matches. Looky heah whut yew done gone and don . . . leaving smutty paw prints ever where . . . you gonna be walking funny for a week when I git thru with you.”
I tole Moppy the paw prints wuddint mah fault, thet G. G. GoodJookin’s hushpuppy shoes left them paw prints. Thet dint fly.
Shhh . . . ahm on the beach. Can yawl hear me now??? Ah think I hear Moppy cumin.
((((Sumbuddy anser me! ahm WET an in a hole lotta trouble an need one uv yawl to COME git me . . . send money . . . ah mean Rat now!!!))))
Author’s note:Tattoo’s fantasy Bar-B-Q was inspired by a family member’s A+ seventh grade science project. Tattoo committed unsafe acts which serve as an outdoor cooking safety platform.
Tattoo is the creation of Floridian Gene Goodson, aka Moppy and Riverdancer. This sassy little pooch has entertained Gene’s family and friends for several years and is tickled slap to death to be on the pages of USADS. Ye Editor says Tattoo definitely has “First Canine Columnist” status around here.
And have you read Ah love mah frens 'n bite mah enemies? Tattoo wrote that one too.
Please visit our Message Board
or write Ye Editor at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Back to USADEEPSOUTH index page